The Fight To Live

Tears swelled up in my eyes while I listened to the coaching from the nurse and my son’s father.

“You have to do this Sonja. Come on try again. We gave you medicine to help you out.”

“Shorty, if you don’t they will pump your stomach. Come on you can do this.”

“Let her die!” are the words that kept ringing in my ears. Those words were addressed to me in the background at the Irwin Army hospital in Fort Riley, Kansas.  What an evil command, especially when it comes from your very own mother. Yes my mother told the doctors, nurses, and my son’s other grandmother to let me die.

I already lacked the desire to go on living. Why should I do so? My mom didn’t want me any longer, not since I became a teen mother. I ruined my life and I believed the lie that there was no coming back from the things that I had done.  No one wanted me. I didn’t even want myself. I wondered if God even wanted me. Like my mom always told me, “Good things happen to good people. Bad things happen to bad people.” Everything that had happened to me was bad. Would God want someone as bad as me?

I was 10 years old when I first asked the question, “Why was I even born?” I asked why God even created me. Had I done something wrong in my previous life? Was I an evil and mean person? Did I hurt or kill people? Why God, are You punishing me? Why doesn’t anyone love me? Why am I so alone? Those were the questions I silently asked Him while lying on our brown couch. My head hanging off the edge while my left arm dangled off the side. I had just chewed an entire bottle of children’s aspirin.

My last attempt to take my life was when I was taken to the hospital. Although the cruel words from my mom hurt me more than the pills did, the cheering from the nurse and my son’s dad motivated me to throw up the half bottle of his mother’s anxiety pills that I swallowed. Truth be told, I wasn’t too thrilled about having my stomach pumped. My goal was death…I just wanted the pain to end.

Have you ever felt such a heaviness in the pit of your stomach that it seemed as if you swallowed a ton of lead? Or has your heart been so dark that even the darkness in the night possessed more brightness? I’ve been there more than I could ever imagine or hope for. Let’s face it, we have all been discouraged, without hope, and perhaps even depressed at some time in our lives. I know I have. Life hasn’t always been easy for me. In fact for a majority of my life I struggled and I fought. I’ve had to live with the consequences of horrible decisions I had made. I’ve also dealt with the regret of some of my choices. But this is definitely not a blog about self-pity or self-hate. Not at all. In fact I hope it will be the opposite for you. I hope that you will experience that there is hope in every situation.

Depression is Real and it is DEADLY. Suicide is an act that you may take in efforts of trying to end it all, for yourself, because your death will hurt others. Suicide is like pulling the trigger on a gun. But depression is the bullet. Although some people may not attempt suicide the depression is still slowly killing them inside. Depression does not discriminate. It doesn’t care if you are a child or an adult, male or female, rich or poor, and it definitely isn’t moved on whether or not you believe in God.

I am definitely not an expert on depression and acts or thoughts of suicide, but I have definitely experienced it. Not too long ago I found myself there again. I was depressed and I lost all hope. I just wanted the pain to end.  There were areas in my life that caused me so much pain and one in particular kept getting worse. In that particular year those thoughts began to surface once again, “I’d rather be in heaven with You God than to wake up another morning in this situation. I asked Him to take it away, to end that part in my life so that all the pain would stop. But those thoughts were all lies and I was asking Him the wrong questions. There was something inside of me, my spirit, which told me to ask a different question. Thank God that I obeyed. I then asked God, “What should I do?” I received the answer quickly and I acted on it. I reached out for help.

I called my mentor and shared with her that I was having suicidal thoughts. She spoke to me, without judgement, but instead encouraged me and then….She Prayed!

Her prayer silenced every deadly voice that I had been listening to. She also reminded me of some other things that I needed to do. Just like the ammunition of the enemy to speak lies into our heads there are others, the ammunition from God. I was reminded to speak God’s truth over my life, to continue to pray, and to listen to praise music.

Some people love the holidays. They find joy and laughter in all the festivities and spending time with loved ones and family. However for others, it’s a time of sorrow and grief. Some are overwhelmed with financial burdens, broken relationships and homes, and just a sense of loneliness. But God is the answer. He can mend our broken hearts. He has the power to make all things new!

Now I know what to do when those feelings of heaviness come. I pray immediately and I listen to music that will encourage me. There are times that I do reach out to those that I know will encourage me, not judge me, but who will love me through the process. I also have learned a tactic that has been very helpful. I do not ISOLATE myself from others. When I would isolate myself, it was in those moments that the negative words and thoughts would overwhelm me. Then finally, I think about those that I love and cherish dearly, those in whom motivate me and encourage me to keep pressing on.

 

If you really stop to think about it God will always provide us with help. It is the lie of the enemy to try to silence us by telling us not to say anything and that no one cares. Or another infamous one, “No one understands.” It is never God’s will that we die, especially at our own hands. God loves us and He wants us to fulfill the wonderful plan and purpose He has for our lives.

Don’t lose hope. Don’t give up. Don’t give in.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Father I thank You for the person reading this right now. I pray that they would find hope in You. Please send them help to lift them out of the pit of darkness they may be in. The enemy wants to take our lives because he knows we are a threat to him. Father give us wisdom on the tools we need to keep ourselves encouraged when life seems too overwhelming for us to handle. For those that are depressed and having thoughts of suicide, send them reinforcements Quickly. Send them someone to show them love. Send them someone to show them they care. Send them someone to encourage them and lift them up. Help them focus on what is good in their lives and that their situation or circumstances are only temporary. We are grateful that You have a great plan for our lives. Thank you God for being a God of hope and a God that can make all things new!  In Jesus Name, Amen!